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Staying home to raise a kid means having all the time in the world to waste on monkey brain bullshit—or so my mother thinks, which is why I believe it was a ruse. Christmas Elves Tchotchkes. A fallen Catholic and a non-practicing Muslim found utopia. And, before I could stop her, she gave you to my daughter, which ignited a ridiculous new family tradition. I hope you had as much fun with that one as I did. In fact, we could skip all the holiday hoopla and she would never know. Santa came down the chimney, filled your stocking, and went on his merry way.

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Valentina. Age: 28.
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Then last winter my mother showed up—with you!

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Laura. Age: 27.
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A fallen Catholic and a non-practicing Muslim found utopia. She will probably need Elf therapy for this, but we can just bundle that with her college savings plan. There was no way my daughter would hear about you while riding her princess bike in circles around a synagogue.

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